Becoming A Monster

“You should be a monster. An absolute monster. And then you should learn how to control it.” — Jordan B. Peterson.

This quote is something I’ve been mulling over for the past 3 months.

I’ve always been competitive. I never want to lose. I hate losing more than anything else.

It is a burning fire in the depths of my soul. The itch just out of my reach.

The Quiet Kid

I wasn’t social as a kid. I didn’t care to spend time with others.

My dad passed away and I didn’t know how to handle it, so I handled it as well as a 5-year-old could.

I played video games.

I lost myself in the digital puzzles. A ten-hour day wasn’t out of the question when it came to defeating the evil empire in Ogre Battle. Kudos to whoever played that as well.

I shut down.

I don’t even remember most of my childhood, because it was numb. There are key moments that stand out from all the efforts of my amazing mother, but that’ll be for a different post.

Then my teenage years hit.

That’s when I experienced jealousy. Envy. Anger.

I felt the world was unfair and lashed out to anyone who would come near me. I didn’t trust them. I didn’t want to. Life was built to take things away from you.

At least that’s what I thought…

I’m painting this picture as I was a ‘pathetic monster’. Lots of bark. No bite.

This all changed when I started to train MMA.

My Fighting Years

I started training Kali and other martial arts with my brothers. We had a trainer we would see twice a week for years.

I fell in love with these arts.

My trainer was a pretty intense guy. He once said, “There are only two rules in fighting. Always cheat, always win.”

There was no other option. I would be tossed around, punched, kicked, choked out, but quitting wasn’t on the table.

There was a drill he would run with us every six months. It was called 2-minutes of hell.

We would have boxing gloves on in a small ring. The objective was to punch him in the abdominal area as hard and fast as you could for 2 minutes straight. If you slowed down or hit softer, he would punch you in the face. If you punched him in the face, he would knock you out.

One day running this drill, he backed me into a corner. Punching me and I felt I couldn’t carry on. I was gassed in the first 45 seconds and couldn’t move.

He growled at me, “HIT ME BACK!”

Somewhere in the fire of my soul, I came back and punched harder and faster than I did when I first started.

He talked to me after and said, “No matter what, if someone hits you, you fire right back.”

Nothing fed my soul more than that statement.

It brought that competitive spirit to life in me. The true and powerful monster. Not one that cowers in the shadows.

The Dip

I feel when people discover their true selves, they find opposition.

I let the opposition consume me for ten years.

Even though I found myself in good standing, something was missing. I was being told to be satisfied, go the safe route, don’t try too hard, you deserve more.

I find many of those statements to be weak. They don’t connect with my true and powerful self, but I listened. I spent the majority of my twenties as a lion pretending to be a docile lamb.

It didn’t go well.

I fell back into the same behavior as I did in my teen years. An overgrown child pretending to be a man.

I didn’t snap out of it until I was almost 30. Even then, I wasn’t powerful. I still hold resentment.

The big reason I found that quote at the beginning so impactful.

I am now finding my way to becoming a monster again.

Becoming the Monster

Here is my plan to become the monster.

It is to build the best life ever. It is to dedicate myself to the decision that I will fight and claw to get everything I want.

I will have the body I want.

I will have the business I want.

I will be the man I want to be.

I will not be distracted by my phone or other addictions.

I will be present and fierce in any given opportunity.

I will create and listen to my true spirit inside.

What will you do?